Attachment Styles: Why We Keep Dating (or Marrying) the Same Emotionally Unavailable People

Ever find yourself asking, “Why do I always attract the same type of person?” You know the one—hot and cold, great at the chase, emotionally vague or distant, makes all the excuses, or allergic to commitment? If your dating life feels like a rerun of the same emotionally unavailable storyline, it’s time to learn from the patterns revealed by reviewing the types of attachment styles.

Secure attachment techniques build safety!

What Are Attachment Styles, Anyway?

Attachment styles are the patterns we develop early in life that shape how we connect with others, and how we view ourselves in the world. They’re not necessarily set in stone forever, but they do influence how we show up in relationships and how we view trust and safety. The four main types are:

1. Secure – Comfortable with closeness and independence. Able to communicate needs clearly. Having a sense of autonomy while also having a sense of belonging. Key variables include trust in relationships, open and honest communication, empathy, healthy boundaries, self-esteem, and the ability to regulate emotions. Can navigate issues and conflict in a healthy and productive way together.

2. Anxious – Craves closeness but fears abandonment. Often gets in relationships but worries about rejection or disappointing others. May 'chase' for resolution, and that may look messy, spastic, and emotionally erratic. Reaction over response in an attempt to achieve resolution.

3. Avoidant – Values independence, but struggles with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Keeps people emotionally at arm’s length out of safety. Assumes people will not stay close or show up in a predictable manner, so may guard themselves and even avoid connection and vulnerability with others to remain emotionally safe.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) – Wants connection, but is deeply afraid of getting hurt. A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies to feel emotionally safe. This involves a range of behaviors reflecting a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often stemming from inconsistent or traumatic early caregiving experiences. Folks may struggle with trust, emotional regulation, and forming secure relationships, leading to a range of inconsistent behaviors and feelings. 

   
   

Why the Same Attachment Pattern Keeps Playing Out

We can reshape our relationship patterns.

If you’re anxiously attached, you might be subconsciously drawn to avoidant partners. Why? Because it feels familiar. Not healthy, but familiar. You don't have to like this, you just have to know it. The emotional rollercoaster mimics early relationship dynamics—where love had conditions, inconsistencies, or required chasing.

And if you’re avoidantly attached, you might be drawn to people who need a lot of reassurance—only to feel smothered and pull away. The cycle repeats.

You don't have to even like it, in fact with increased emotional intelligence you likely won't like it. You just have to know how to navigate it. Research shows that we are drawn to the familiar, and in that we find SAFETY. Wild, huh?

The Brain Loves Familiar, Even When It’s Dysfunctional

Here’s the kicker: our nervous systems don’t always crave what’s healthy—they crave what’s known. What is known, appears safe. It's actually quite a primal response. For example, if emotional distance or neglect was the norm growing up, your system might confuse inconsistency for chemistry. Understanding this can help you recognize triggers in relationship dynamics, and allow you to have choice in your responses.

Share your needs and be curious about your partner's needs!

So…How Do You Break the Cycle?

1. Get Curious, Not Judgmental – Your attachment style isn’t a flaw. It’s a map of how you learned to survive relationships. Explore it with compassion and see where change may benefit you and your relationships.

2. Recognize the Red Flags Sooner – If someone seems emotionally distant from the start or conversely super reliant on you to meet their emotional needs, don’t ignore it hoping it’ll change. Someone else's trauma response is not yours to fix or clean up! Stay curious.

3. Practice Secure Attachment Behaviors – Communicate clearly what your relationship needs are once you identify them. Ask what the other person's needs are as well. Set boundaries, both internal emotional ones, and literal ones with the other person. Choose partners who respond to your needs instead of triggering old wounds in the name of familiarity. This can take time to observe but once you recognize patterns that aren't addressed, know that you have choice and options based on what's healthy for you.

4. Therapy Helps, A Lot – Attachment wounds often come from early experiences, and healing them requires support and time. A good therapist can help you identify, understand, and even rewrite your relationship patterns. Secure attachments don't have to feel out of your reach. Therapy can help normalize secure patterns in relationships!

Final Thought: You’re Not Doomed to Repeat the Past

You deserve secure and healthy relationships.

Your attachment style might explain your patterns, but it doesn’t have to dictate your future relationship dynamics. With insight and effort, you can build secure, stable, healthy relationships—even if they feel unfamiliar at first.

If you’re ready to break the cycle and find healthier connection, we’re here to help.

Reach out. Because you deserve a love that doesn’t leave you guessing, exhausted, or defeated. Email us at info@creativenwa.com to connect with us!