Why Do My Relationships Always Feel Like A Push/Pull Thing? Signs You Have a Disorganized Attachment Style (And What to Do About It)
- Beth Tellez
- 11 minutes ago
- 4 min read
From the team at Creative Counseling Center of NWA, providing in-person counseling in Northwest Arkansas and telehealth therapy across the entire state of Arkansas!
Do you find yourself wanting closeness one moment and pushing people away the next? Feel like you don't fully trust anyone, even people who've never given you a reason not to? Notice that relationships feel both like something you desperately want and also, something you're afraid of?
This push-pull experience is a hallmark of the disorganized attachment style (sometimes called fearful-avoidant attachment), one of the set of patterns described in attachment theory (see our full breakdown in Understanding Attachment Styles). It's often described as the most confusing attachment style to live with, both for the person experiencing it and the people around them — but like the others, it can be understood and reshaped, with support.
What Is Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment typically develops when a child's caregiver was a source of both comfort and fear — for example, in homes affected by unpredictability, frightening behavior, or trauma. This creates a core conflict: the same person (or later, the same kind of relationship) represents both safety and danger. As adults, this often shows up as wanting closeness intensely while also feeling unsafe when it's actually available.
Common Signs of Disorganized Attachment
Wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time
Unpredictable reactions in relationships — sometimes pursuing connection, sometimes pushing it away
Difficulty trusting others, even when they've shown they're trustworthy
Fear of being hurt or controlled in close relationships
Self-sabotaging behavior when relationships start to go well
Intense emotional highs and lows within relationships
Feeling both drawn to and afraid of vulnerability
A history of relationships that felt chaotic or intense, even when you wanted stability
Because disorganized attachment blends elements of both anxious and avoidant patterns, people with this style often relate to signs described in our posts on anxious attachment and avoidant attachment — sometimes feeling like both apply, depending on the day or the relationship.
How Disorganized Attachment Shows Up in Different Relationships
With romantic partners: You may find yourself pursuing a relationship intensely, then feeling a strong urge to create distance or even end things once it becomes stable — sometimes described as "self-sabotage."
With friends: You might swing between being very open with a friend and suddenly withdrawing, or feel unsure whether you can really trust people who've shown consistent care.
With family: Family relationships may feel especially complicated, particularly if the family itself was a source of both connection and fear growing up — leading to a mix of loyalty, love, and self-protective distance.
Can Disorganized Attachment Be Changed?
Yes — though because disorganized attachment is often connected to difficult or frightening early experiences, this work can benefit from extra care and, often, a trauma-informed therapeutic approach. Therapy can help build a foundation of safety and trust first, then gradually work toward more consistent, secure patterns of relating. Many people with disorganized attachment develop earned secure attachment over time, learning that closeness doesn't have to come with danger attached.
Effective approaches often include:
Individual, trauma-informed therapy to process early experiences at a safe, manageable pace
Couples counseling, to help both partners understand the push-pull pattern without judgment
Family therapy, when appropriate, to address generational patterns of instability or fear
Getting Support in Northwest Arkansas or by Telehealth
At Creative Counseling Center of NWA, our therapists approach disorganized attachment with care, expertise, and an understanding that trust often needs to be built gradually. We offer in-person sessions in Bentonville, and telehealth sessions available to residents anywhere in Arkansas.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is disorganized attachment the same as trauma? Not exactly, though the two are often connected. Disorganized attachment describes a relationship pattern that frequently develops alongside difficult or frightening early experiences, but it's addressed through relationship-focused therapy, not a trauma diagnosis alone.
What's the difference between disorganized and anxious or avoidant attachment? Disorganized attachment combines features of both — a strong desire for closeness (like anxious attachment) alongside fear of and withdrawal from that same closeness (like avoidant attachment). Compare all four styles in our attachment styles overview.
Why do I sabotage relationships that are going well? This is a common experience for people with disorganized attachment. When closeness starts to feel real and stable, old fears about safety and trust can resurface, sometimes leading to behavior that creates distance. A therapist can help you recognize this pattern as it happens and respond differently over time.
Do you offer telehealth for attachment-focused therapy in Arkansas? Yes. Creative Counseling Center of NWA offers telehealth counseling anywhere in Arkansas, in addition to in-person sessions in Northwest Arkansas.
Ready to Build a More Secure Foundation?
Wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time is exhausting — and it's a pattern that can shift with patient, informed support. Our therapists are here to help you build trust and stability in your relationships, at a pace that feels safe.
Call us at 479-364-0075 or email info@creativenwa.com to schedule a an appointment, or visit creativenwa.com to learn more.
Comments